It Was All Watergate Under the Bridge

After the successful secret moon and Mars (that last bit of information is for later, you obviously would not be interested in reading all about that nor the subsequent enormous resulting trade in computer technologies with the Martians), President Nixon and I developed an enormous amount of mutual respect.      He was a man who cultivated that deep loyalty. When an aide stated he would run over his own grandmother to protect President Nixon, I too admitted I also run over that aide’s grandmother to protect Nixon.

We were putting the Martian technology to good use. I started a company we nicknamed DieVote which manufactured voting machines that protected the rights of dead voters to vote for Nixon. What better way to honor our past citizens, I say!  We rigged the machines so Nixon would defeat the wildly popular Georg McGovern by about 20 percentage points. Then, so no one would catch on to our scheme, we formed a bunch of fake pollster organizations that all reported Nixon had an enormous lead so no one would suspect anything was wrong with the machine results.   

Nixon’s fault was that he was enormous paranoid.  For fun, we used to scare him by sneaking up behind him and shouting things like “look, there’s Ted Kennedy” just to watch him jump.  Nixon wanted to make it a condition of his Supreme Court appointees that they would agree to award him the Presidency by Supreme Court order in case he lost the election.  I told him that was preposterous and that scenario could never possibly occur.

A positive attribute was that Nixon was just about the most honest person I ever met.  Why, if found a penny on the street, he would have the FBI get the fingerprints of the person whose penny it was, run the fingerprints through the FBI fingerprint data base, and return the penny to its rightful owner.  This really was not that cost effective and it did draw some Congressional scrutiny. So, after the penny was returned the person was then fined $50 for littering the penny.

One day Nixon came to me in a panic. He told me someone had found an incriminating tape in the files of the late J. Edgar Hoover.  (Technically, Hoover was not dead at that moment, but give it a day and the drug would have taken affect by then. But you don’t want to read about that.)  I started to explain that the tapes of me with Sophia Loren was perfectly innocent when I realized he did not mean those tapes.  It seems there was a film of Nixon getting Elvis Presley drunk enough to assassinate President Kennedy. Someone had mailed copies to CBS, NBC, ABC, and the Democratic National Committee.  We knew we controlled the television networks, so we were not worried about those tapes.  Yet we had never before considered the need to infiltrate and take control of the Democratic National Committee.  The Communist Party, yes. In fact, there were more FBI agents as voting members of the Communist Party than there were Communists in America.  Yet we had never even considered the need to control the Democrats, even though there also were more FBI agents than Democrats in America.

Now it is time for me to write the truth about Watergate. The reason the Nixon burglars were caught inside the Democratic National Committee was that they never could find the tape. They were in there for days. In fact, the Democratic National Committee staff came to work and helped them look for it.  No one could find it anywhere. The Democratic National Committee staff then let the burglars keep looking after hours and told the burglars to just lock up when they were done. The problem was a security guard did not know they were there, found them, called it in, and the rest is history.

Incidentally, the tape had been found by the leadership of the Democratic National Committee.  They thought it was an audition tape of Nixon, playing the prim and proper roommate to Elvis, playing the messy roommate, was hysterical.  They particularly enjoyed the scene where Elvis got so mad at Nixon he took out a gun and shot the TV set.  The Democratic National Committee sent the tape to Garry Marshall.

And that is how “The Odd Couple” came to become a TV series.

Still Famous For Being Famous, Part 3

Third grade was a troubling time for me. My Presidential advising tenure was challenged by the Kennedy assassination. I know that many Internet conspiracies have concluded that my fellow third grader John Seigenthaler and I were involved in the Kennedy assassination. Now that all of the Kennedy children have died, I believe it is time that I come forth with the truth. No, John and I were not involved. Yet we were involved in the cover up. As I mentioned earlier, it was me, with John, and what has puzzled me to this day, Richard Nixon standing on the grassy knoll. I was cleaning my gun and Nixon accidentally discharged. Or so he claims. Fortunately, the bullet did not strike anyone. Ironically, Governor Connally was cleaning his pistol when it accidentally discharged. No, it did not hit anyone either. The assassin was an influential man who fired from the book depository. When we discovered his identify, it was deemed for national security that this secret be kept until now. It was Elvis Presley who assassinated President Kennedy. He was in a jealous rage over Marilyn Monroe. Of course, Elvis, as President of the Trilateral Commission, was the most influential person in the world and we needed to keep this from the public. John and I took the Zapurder film of the Kennedy assassination and altered it. (John wanted to add a musical background score, but I vetoed that.) We blocked out Connally cleaning his gun. We then found a patsy to blame for the shooting, and when we found a low wage employee with a Russian wife worked in the same book depository, it was like, bingo, that’s our guy. Maybe conspiracy theorists will blame the Russians and not the Trilateral Commission. Then Special Agent Ruby took out Oswald, and the whole thing was put to rest. Americans were able to go back to living their lives in peace, not counting the constant fear that we needed them to have so they would vote to keep the military and industrial complex exorbitantly funded by their elected representatives. My personal life, though, was a wreck. Virginia’s lawyers were suing for their share of the mansion, jet, and milk boxes. A neighbor Peggy was of great comfort although our playing house was, really, just playing house. We had a great relationship where we would take turns doing what each other wanted. She often wanted to play house, and then major renovations, followed by extreme landscaping. After a while, it got to be a bit too much when she decided to have lions guarding the house. True, lions may keep the paparazzi away, yet it made me concerned that every time I went to the mailbox that I might be eaten by a lion. I favor alternative security measures.