One of My Few Life Failures was Tabled

After successfully negotiating the still secret trade agreement with the Martians (fortunately they don’t mind that Twinkies are made of rocks and chemicals), President Nixon asked if I would help with a more difficult negotiation: peace in Vietnam with the People’s Republic of Vietnam, the People’s Republic of China, and some Republican people who were taunting us in the driveway. Our lead negotiator was Dr. Henry Kissinger from Columbia University, a secret university where all students are trained to either work for the Central Intelligence Agency, the State Department, or MacDonald’s (who frankly serve billions more people than do the CIA and the State Department).  Dr. Kissinger was previously noted for filling in for Peter Sellers during health problems when Sellers was filming “Dr. Strangelove.”

The meeting with the representatives from North Viet Nam, the Viet Cong, and Burger King (we had MacDonald’s on our side: Burger King went a different route) began ominously when Dr. Kissinger sneezed. The negotiating table was too close to an open window where pollen was entering.  The North Vietnamese representative declared that sneezing is a sign of weakness.  It was his theory that sneezing comes from a reaction from flaked skin and dandruff and that if one sneezed, it meant one was allergic to oneself. He insisted that he never sneezed, because his body was in full acceptance of who he was, as a man, namely a woman who looks wears dresses at night.  He argued that he (and she) never trusted a person who sneezed at what flaked from that person’s body. I tried to point to the ragweed, hay, cut grass, and strong perfume stand had all been strangely located by Bob's Big Boys associates (who we suspected we secretly aligned with Burger King, which is why today you find very few Bob's Big Boys left) in locations close to the open window.

We spent months just arguing over what  the negotiating table should be before we could begin negotiating. We wanted the table moved to the middle of the room. The Burger King representative wanted the table placed in a dark corner next to the kitchen, which made no sense especially since the kitchen staff sang off key Bob Dylan songs in a manner which ironically made them on key. 

Kissinger’s suggestion of bar stools and then bean bags were immediate rejected. The North Vietnamese delegation insisted we stand through the negotiations. We suggested they stand while we sit on massage chairs. They then insisted they get the massage chairs and we stand. We stated they could have the massage chairs if we could have the bar stools. This might have worked yet, unknown to us, the Viet Cong delegation had secretly sold the bar stools to pay a gambling debt with the Burger King delegation.  

The situation escalated when one of the North Vietnamese delegates hung a picture of Chairman Mao in the room. Dr. Kissinger and I thought it was actually a nice photo yet one of the other North Vietnamese delegates insisted on replacing the Mao Tse Tung picture with a picture of Leonid Brezhnez. Frankly, that photo had him in a bathing suit and was not a flattering photograph.  Then one of the North Vietnamese delegates hung up a face shot of Jane Fonda. Kissinger then hung up a poster of Jane Fonda in a bathing suit.  We all finally settled on the photo of Jane Fonda in a bathing suit.

After months of negotiating tables, chairs, photos, who is was that kept cutting the cheese, it was amazing that it then took us only seven minutes to negotiate an end to the Vietnam War.  Unfortunately, just as we were all about to sign it, everything feel apart.

The North Vietnamese representative sneezed. He left the room in shame, and the negotiations were off.

MY EARLY FAME (Part 1 of Many Important Parts)

I was born in a log cabin in Nigeria with a silver spoon in my mouth, causing the surgery to remember that he had left it there in a previous operation. Fortunately, my parents had the foresight to know that the United States might someday, as they did years later, pass Medicare, as they wanted the future benefits, so they registered my birth in the United States. They did this by finding a small town paper in Wasilla, Alaska announcing my birth. Years later we moved to Wasilla, talked out way into a replacement birth certificate for a non-existent one. This was very easy to do as we slipped the forms past the government employees who were too busy looking at Russia out their windows.

I was a resourceful baby. I gnawed off my own umbilical cord and strangled my twin with it when no one was watching. While in the baby room, I evaluated the situation and switched myself with a baby whose parents appeared to be far more affluent than my birth parents.

I was a top student in my nursery school. I bought my assignments from smarter children. I would give Oreos for shoes with tied shoe laces. A Twinkie got me stolen museum abstract artwork. This did not always work as sometimes the art was so bad I would only get an average grade for it. Fortunately, accounting for my age, critics consider me ahead for my art and I was often able to sell the artwork back to the very same museums. They never caught on that the dribbling messes they were missing were the very same artworks they were re-hanging.

As an aside, did you know that there are no food substances in Twinkies? They are made from rocks and chemicals. I did well not eating them. Like Midas, people who eat them have kidneys that turn to stone. Those were good trades on my part.

My talents included singing. I sang like an angel, or, more exactly, people felt as if they were dying and seeing angels when I sang. This was good enough to become a baby punk rock star. “Please Mind the Bullocks and Keep Them Diapered” remains a classic song of mine.

There was a lot of pressure entering first grade as a famous singer and artist. It was difficult handling all the autograph requests, especially since I had not yet learned how to write. Fortunately, my scribbled papers presented to fans are now accepted in currency in many parts of Europe. In fact, whenever I travel, I never pay for anything as I just scratch out some art in payments. The IRS, though, insisted on my using colors for their picture.

Naptime was always a favorite period of mine in first grade. I would keep my eyes open and watch as the first grade and second grade teachers kissed and made out. I was sad as their relationship deteriorated towards the end of the school year. It makes me glad to state that I was able to suggest some sexual positions that enabled their relationship to continue and move forward.

The problem with the American school system soon was obvious to me. They forced students to do something called “Kickball”. The object of this assignment was to kick a ball and then run. I added new elements that improved the game, which included firing pistol shots into the monkey bars and then running. That was far more exciting than kicking a ball and running around in a circle.

It was my blessing that I was able to persuade ABC Sports to broadcast my Pistol Shots into the Monkey Bars and Run games. This widened my fan base to include jocks, gun enthusiasts, and sociopaths. The monkey bar manufactures were very supportive as their sales in replacement monkey bars alone kept them in riches. Some stated I sold out the sport when I did beer commercials, yet I did them because they were tastefully done. The nudity was essential to the story.

There is one controversy about my elementary years I wish to make clear. Granted, I was in Dallas on the grassy knoll on the day in question. I was cleaning my rifle when it accidentally went off. I have no idea what happened from that point on. That is not my problem.

To this day, I am confused over the Bay of Pigs controversy. Who cares? What if there was a Sea of Giraffes and a Pond of Tigers? I say, let things be as they are. When I told that to Kennedy, he seemed relieved and told me he would not push the button. I did not realize that button pushing was involved. I tried to push the button when no one was looking, but I couldn’t get it all the way down. That is too bad, as I am sure it would have been a blast.

One of my early interests was bugs. They are fascinating creatures. I used to capture beetles and put them in a jar. I sat next to Ed Sullivan on a flight to England and he was fascinated by my five hour lecture on beetles. I told Ed he should look into beetles and I understand he did just that.

I graduated first grade magna cum laude. For my commencement speech, I showed how Einstein’s theory that the speed of light was an absolute was incorrect by noting that the electrons circling the protons and neutrons traveling at the speed of light had to be traveling faster than the speed of light in order to maintain a forward momentum of traveling at the speed of light. This was overshadowed by my forecast that a war in Viet Nam would not end quickly and would only instill nationalist feelings that of defending themselves against a foreign power. I wonder how that turned out. I never kept up on that issue once those hilarious 1960s TV sitcoms came out.