Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Part 2: I Am Even More Famous for Being Famous

Having achieved worldwide fame as a singer, actor, and Presidential advisor by the first grade, the pressure was on to continue this streak. I saw many of my peers fall to drink, passing out from overindulgence in milk, suffocating themselves in milk cartons asking “have you seen this kid”? Well, this missing kid is right behind the carton, hidden from a cruel world that shoots one into fame and overnight sends you in the gutter. The gutter, by the way, is a cool place to play as a kid. Lots of neat mud and places to hide and jump out after other kids. But I digress.

I admit in retrospect that I did juice up. Mostly orange juice. I hope this does not keep me out of the baseball Hall of Fame. Of course, they don’t care if behind the scenes management figures were juiced, so I think I can make it in. My baseball career is another story. It is hard to write about. I still can’t believe I only bid $9.75 million for the Yankees and that former college football player outbid me with a $10 million bid. I just knew I could talk the city into renovating the stadium and soon the movie and merchandising rights alone would be worth more than $9.75 million. If I only hadn’t lost so much money paying to keep the truth of Watergate quiet, I would have had enough to bid $10.25 million, and today, I would have that billion dollar team. Only, with me, the Yankees would have been worth way much more with my Yankees personal computers that IBM rejected and left to some company called Microsoft without my involvement. Incidentally, what is a “microsoft”? Use it in a sentence. “Here, eat your bread before the butter makes it microsoft?” I don’t get it.

I decided to take a break from the entertainment world in second grade and spend some quiet time advising NASA. I realized they weren’t enough biogas in their fuel and the alarm system wasn’t properly registering low fuel readings. NASA achieve greater successes with their launches after my advice about “needs more cowbell”. I left NASA shortly after directing the filming of the fake moon landing, but no one wants to read about that.

Second grade was pressure filled. The increasing difficulty of Mathematics with new levels of addition and subtraction, and how I applied them to my theories of Econometrics, were challenging. I also tried to point out that if a greater than b and if c is greater than b, that in economic terms it is possible that a could be greater than b and b greater than c yet have a greater than a is a, b, and c contained variables that altered in relationship with each other. For example, I may prefer swinging on swing sets over eating an apple because, by comparison, I find greater utility in playing, and I am prefer eating an orange (not juiced) over eating an apple, yet eating an orange, while preferable to eating an apple, does not fulfill my lacking need for playing as eating an apple fills, and therefore I would prefer swinging on the swing sets over eating an orange. Yet, try explaining this to second grade teachers.

It was also terrible dealing with the paparazzi. You kiss a girl on the hand, and suddenly it is in all the tabloids. You have to issue denials that you’re engaged, that she is pregnant, explain she did not have an abortion, and then issue a statement denying that you are gay. It gets tiring. Then, you play jacks with another girl, and the tabloids are all over you. So, let me know make things clear. Virginia and I did get married, we kept it private, but it didn’t work out. In hindsight, we both married too young, we weren’t ready for the responsibilities of maintaining the expenses and demands of a couple while we both were still in elementary school and having to live solely on my income from the government and royalties. I have no ill will towards Virginia, and I wish her all the best, although she does have cooties.

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