Still Famous For Being Famous, Part 3

Third grade was a troubling time for me. My Presidential advising tenure was challenged by the Kennedy assassination. I know that many Internet conspiracies have concluded that my fellow third grader John Seigenthaler and I were involved in the Kennedy assassination. Now that all of the Kennedy children have died, I believe it is time that I come forth with the truth. No, John and I were not involved. Yet we were involved in the cover up. As I mentioned earlier, it was me, with John, and what has puzzled me to this day, Richard Nixon standing on the grassy knoll. I was cleaning my gun and Nixon accidentally discharged. Or so he claims. Fortunately, the bullet did not strike anyone. Ironically, Governor Connally was cleaning his pistol when it accidentally discharged. No, it did not hit anyone either. The assassin was an influential man who fired from the book depository. When we discovered his identify, it was deemed for national security that this secret be kept until now. It was Elvis Presley who assassinated President Kennedy. He was in a jealous rage over Marilyn Monroe. Of course, Elvis, as President of the Trilateral Commission, was the most influential person in the world and we needed to keep this from the public. John and I took the Zapurder film of the Kennedy assassination and altered it. (John wanted to add a musical background score, but I vetoed that.) We blocked out Connally cleaning his gun. We then found a patsy to blame for the shooting, and when we found a low wage employee with a Russian wife worked in the same book depository, it was like, bingo, that’s our guy. Maybe conspiracy theorists will blame the Russians and not the Trilateral Commission. Then Special Agent Ruby took out Oswald, and the whole thing was put to rest. Americans were able to go back to living their lives in peace, not counting the constant fear that we needed them to have so they would vote to keep the military and industrial complex exorbitantly funded by their elected representatives. My personal life, though, was a wreck. Virginia’s lawyers were suing for their share of the mansion, jet, and milk boxes. A neighbor Peggy was of great comfort although our playing house was, really, just playing house. We had a great relationship where we would take turns doing what each other wanted. She often wanted to play house, and then major renovations, followed by extreme landscaping. After a while, it got to be a bit too much when she decided to have lions guarding the house. True, lions may keep the paparazzi away, yet it made me concerned that every time I went to the mailbox that I might be eaten by a lion. I favor alternative security measures.