Friday, July 6, 2012

About Time to Tell the Truth About Time

I was a slow learner. It wasn’t until the 4th grade that I discovered how to time travel. Can you believe my Science teacher only gave me a “B” grade for my time travel machine? Well, a few trips in the time travel machine took care of that and I finally got my “A”. Although it meant my original Science teacher was never born, so let that be a lesson to anyone who messes with me.

My time travel machine eventually caught on and I was quite popular through the United States. Yet it bothered me that the Confederate States of America was ignoring my time travel accomplishments. Yes, the Confederate States negotiated a treaty with President Lincoln that let them succeed from the Union after their victory at Gettysburg, their capture of Harrisburg, and then their capture of the District of Columbia.

I decided if I would not receive the proper respect I felt I deserved from the Confederate States, I would see that they lost at Gettysburg. I time traveled yet realized it was hard to remember all the details of the battle. Plus, it was a bit difficult to convince the Union Generals that I was a time traveler there to help them win, but a few stiff drinks solved that problem. I saw to it that the Union troops were moved from where I recalled Confederate cannon shelling occurred and I helped redirect Union troops to where Confederate troops would be. I also remembered when visiting Gettysburg where some good restaurants were, but that were not relevant in 1863.

Seeing that I changed the outcome of the Civil War, I then sought to see what else I could accomplish. I then saw to it that the Axis powers did not successfully conquer Europe ad Asia and that the Cubs did not win six World Series in a row. I felt good, yet with each growing respect I received for my time travel abilities, I realized that people regarded me only for my time travel and not for who I am as a person. I then time traveled back and made sure that people were unaware of my time travel abilities.

That is, until now. I do need to sell books, so I will let this secret out. Remember, if book sales are not sufficient to my liking, you may wake up discovering your life has been transformed into being a cashier in Kodiak, Arkansas. Oh, and if you are a cashier in Kodiak, Arkansas, you could have been the wealthiest person on the planet. Next time don’t overcharge me.

I have to admit that time traveling was fun. I do sort of regret killing off the dinosaurs by introducing them to television. They sort of lost all will to live after that. I did like that kid Albert Einstein and he seemed to appreciate those equations I gave him. What, how else can you explain that he could figure out things that were not discoverable until decades later?

Did you know automobiles ran on tracks so there would be few accidents? Well, I took care of that. Oh, and electric cars? I saw that gasoline powered cars won out over those electric embarrassments. I tried to kill 8 tracks, but after several trips, I just gave up. I knew that would die out on their own.

The world really needed a lot of straightening out. You should all be glad for my hard work, Did you know Tiny TIm was the largest selling recording artist in the 1960s? Did you know Richard Nixon was elected President? Wait, I think I forgot to change that one.

Sadly, my time travel machine finally broke. Do you know how hard it is to get parts for a time travel machine? I await the future me to return with new parts, but there seems to be some hold-up in shipment. Oh, well. I shall have to take this up with future me whenever future me decides to take the time and visit. You know how it is. The kids grow up and they seldom visit.

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