Saturday, July 7, 2012

Come Fly With Me, But Not in My Soup

I hate it when people mistake my private hover jet for an unidentified flying object, or UFO. Let me be clear, If it is shape like an oblong with flashing landing lights and can hover above the ground and then take off at the speed of light, it is my private hover jet, If if moves slowly and barely seems to know where it is flying, it is an spacecraft from another planet.

It has been my pleasure to help introduce advance aeronautical techniques to cultures from other planets. I do so reluctantly because I do not know the cultures of the planets from which they came, and I fear that those cultures that wasted so much effort on such disappointing spacecraft are probably the cultures that should not be encouraged to promulgate. I do have to express sorrow at seeing their miserable crafts and out of sympathy I have shared some technologies so they may at least get back safely in time to receive our transmissions of “I Love Lucy” broadcasts. Believe me, Lucy has universal appeal.

I try to minimize disrupting people’s fears when they see my private hover jet that they are seeing a UFO. Of course, to them, it is a UFO, although I believe a good number of people who claim they have seen a UFO also could not identify a Boeing aircraft, a weather balloon, a balloon reading “Happy Birthday” released by a child, a helicopter, or a napkin floating in the air. Therefore, I try to mostly make inconspicuous landings in swamps, where I then take my underground fast rail to where I wish to go. Yet there are a few people in the swamps who, assisted with some swamp alcohol (I am not certain I want to know what they ferment in the swamp and then drink) who then have to call the local press and say they say a UFO, It bothers me when the actual spacecraft from other planets are able to fly around unnoticed more than I am able. I guess the spacecraft lumber around so slowly and errantly that most people just assume it is a US Airways flight.

It is my concern, in sharing space flight technology with alien pilots and flight attendants (never ask a Zorkan flight attendant for an extra napkin: if just isn’t done) that they could return and use my technology and advances in their technology to return and conquer Earth. First, stop being so homo centric, which has nothing to with homosexuality, you filthy minded readers. Most cultures from other planets are more interested in the two thirds of our planet that is water and they find aquatic life far more interesting than our boring lives, Yet, just in case someone has evil designs, I have secretly placed a device in their technologies that not only would disintegrate their abilities to continue yet would destroy them. Fortunately, while it does seem that motion pictures are correct that English is a universal language, I have discovered that aliens can only speak it but can’t read or write it. So, no one tell them, and we’ll be fine, Just a precaution,

Surprisingly, I have attempted to share my technology on hover jet and travel to other planets in distant Suns (and nearby Suns, there actually are a few decent planets close by) to the Defense Department. Yet every time I present this technology to them they are required to place the job out to bid and I always get underbid by some second rate entity such as Raytheon, those cheap bastards. Someday I will get my technology recognized!

Well, I have to run. Paris Hilton has had a few drinks too many and needs a ride home. Then I hate a dinner date with a Zorkan flight attendant, although I fear the dinner may get a bit messy.

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