Sunday, July 8, 2012

Before I Danced on the Ceiling, There Were the Sixties

The late 1960s and early 1970s brings back memories of my involvement in the music world. I remember telling Jimi Hendrix to give up the tuba and play guitar instead. His tuba rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” and “Foxy Lady” were fantastic yet at the end  of his concerts he was try and set his tuba on fire. It just would not burn.nHe never quite mastered the guitar as he had the tuba, but he did alright.

I remember after one concert I told John Lennon and Paul McCartney about my time travel abilities and how, in the future, big names in music was be Madonna and Lady Gaga, and wouldn’t you know it, they sat right down and right a song entitled “Lady Madonna”? They initially entitled it “Gaga Madonna” but I thought “Lady Madonna” sounded better.

I missed Woodstock. I was in junior high school at the time and had an oral report to give. Plus I heard that traffic was bad and the place was getting muddy.

Not every contribution to music that I did worked out. I told William Shatner he should record his version of the song “Rocket Man”. I was just kidding. Actually, in retrospect, it is not that bad a song...nah, who am I kidding?

I tried convincing The Fifth Dimension to change their name because there are more than five dimensions, but they didn’t listen to me. Well, it is on them for being scientifically incorrect.

I told the Jackson Six that they would be better without Cousin Elwood’s off key falsetto. Sorry, Elwood, but I do believe I was right.

I do hate it when song writers put my personal experiences into the songs. I find myself often having to make corrections to what they wrote. I shot a man in Reno, yet he as a foreign spy about to assassinate one of our agents. I only watched to make sure he was dead. I did not leave the cake out in the rain and I did not lose the recipe. Joe DiMaggio hadn’t gone anywhere, and I never said he was missing. I never once said “In a Gadda Da Vida”, I said “you gotta see this Danny DeVito.” Yes, my chewing gum loses its flavor on the bedpost overnight, please stop asking.

My biggest regret was breaking up the Beatles. I did not do it intentionally. All four kept asking me for music advice and it got so much I told them I couldn’t work with all four of them. I told Ringo he would do much better on his own, and things sort of when downhill from there. I thought they could always give Pete Best a ring and have him drum while Ringo went out on a solo career. It seems once Ringo left, John quit, then Paul, and then George, realizing all the others had quit, quit. At one point we were thinking of bringing back the Beatles with Pete Best, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, and Boxcar Willie, but that didn’t pan out either.

I also misjudged the return of barbershop quarters. I thought for certain they would outsell acid rock, but I got that one wrong. There was one barbershop quarter that did a fantastic cover of Pink Floyd songs but they never took off, either. I guess there is no understanding the musical tastes of the public at times.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Come Fly With Me, But Not in My Soup

I hate it when people mistake my private hover jet for an unidentified flying object, or UFO. Let me be clear, If it is shape like an oblong with flashing landing lights and can hover above the ground and then take off at the speed of light, it is my private hover jet, If if moves slowly and barely seems to know where it is flying, it is an spacecraft from another planet.

It has been my pleasure to help introduce advance aeronautical techniques to cultures from other planets. I do so reluctantly because I do not know the cultures of the planets from which they came, and I fear that those cultures that wasted so much effort on such disappointing spacecraft are probably the cultures that should not be encouraged to promulgate. I do have to express sorrow at seeing their miserable crafts and out of sympathy I have shared some technologies so they may at least get back safely in time to receive our transmissions of “I Love Lucy” broadcasts. Believe me, Lucy has universal appeal.

I try to minimize disrupting people’s fears when they see my private hover jet that they are seeing a UFO. Of course, to them, it is a UFO, although I believe a good number of people who claim they have seen a UFO also could not identify a Boeing aircraft, a weather balloon, a balloon reading “Happy Birthday” released by a child, a helicopter, or a napkin floating in the air. Therefore, I try to mostly make inconspicuous landings in swamps, where I then take my underground fast rail to where I wish to go. Yet there are a few people in the swamps who, assisted with some swamp alcohol (I am not certain I want to know what they ferment in the swamp and then drink) who then have to call the local press and say they say a UFO, It bothers me when the actual spacecraft from other planets are able to fly around unnoticed more than I am able. I guess the spacecraft lumber around so slowly and errantly that most people just assume it is a US Airways flight.

It is my concern, in sharing space flight technology with alien pilots and flight attendants (never ask a Zorkan flight attendant for an extra napkin: if just isn’t done) that they could return and use my technology and advances in their technology to return and conquer Earth. First, stop being so homo centric, which has nothing to with homosexuality, you filthy minded readers. Most cultures from other planets are more interested in the two thirds of our planet that is water and they find aquatic life far more interesting than our boring lives, Yet, just in case someone has evil designs, I have secretly placed a device in their technologies that not only would disintegrate their abilities to continue yet would destroy them. Fortunately, while it does seem that motion pictures are correct that English is a universal language, I have discovered that aliens can only speak it but can’t read or write it. So, no one tell them, and we’ll be fine, Just a precaution,

Surprisingly, I have attempted to share my technology on hover jet and travel to other planets in distant Suns (and nearby Suns, there actually are a few decent planets close by) to the Defense Department. Yet every time I present this technology to them they are required to place the job out to bid and I always get underbid by some second rate entity such as Raytheon, those cheap bastards. Someday I will get my technology recognized!

Well, I have to run. Paris Hilton has had a few drinks too many and needs a ride home. Then I hate a dinner date with a Zorkan flight attendant, although I fear the dinner may get a bit messy.

Friday, July 6, 2012

About Time to Tell the Truth About Time

I was a slow learner. It wasn’t until the 4th grade that I discovered how to time travel. Can you believe my Science teacher only gave me a “B” grade for my time travel machine? Well, a few trips in the time travel machine took care of that and I finally got my “A”. Although it meant my original Science teacher was never born, so let that be a lesson to anyone who messes with me.

My time travel machine eventually caught on and I was quite popular through the United States. Yet it bothered me that the Confederate States of America was ignoring my time travel accomplishments. Yes, the Confederate States negotiated a treaty with President Lincoln that let them succeed from the Union after their victory at Gettysburg, their capture of Harrisburg, and then their capture of the District of Columbia.

I decided if I would not receive the proper respect I felt I deserved from the Confederate States, I would see that they lost at Gettysburg. I time traveled yet realized it was hard to remember all the details of the battle. Plus, it was a bit difficult to convince the Union Generals that I was a time traveler there to help them win, but a few stiff drinks solved that problem. I saw to it that the Union troops were moved from where I recalled Confederate cannon shelling occurred and I helped redirect Union troops to where Confederate troops would be. I also remembered when visiting Gettysburg where some good restaurants were, but that were not relevant in 1863.

Seeing that I changed the outcome of the Civil War, I then sought to see what else I could accomplish. I then saw to it that the Axis powers did not successfully conquer Europe ad Asia and that the Cubs did not win six World Series in a row. I felt good, yet with each growing respect I received for my time travel abilities, I realized that people regarded me only for my time travel and not for who I am as a person. I then time traveled back and made sure that people were unaware of my time travel abilities.

That is, until now. I do need to sell books, so I will let this secret out. Remember, if book sales are not sufficient to my liking, you may wake up discovering your life has been transformed into being a cashier in Kodiak, Arkansas. Oh, and if you are a cashier in Kodiak, Arkansas, you could have been the wealthiest person on the planet. Next time don’t overcharge me.

I have to admit that time traveling was fun. I do sort of regret killing off the dinosaurs by introducing them to television. They sort of lost all will to live after that. I did like that kid Albert Einstein and he seemed to appreciate those equations I gave him. What, how else can you explain that he could figure out things that were not discoverable until decades later?

Did you know automobiles ran on tracks so there would be few accidents? Well, I took care of that. Oh, and electric cars? I saw that gasoline powered cars won out over those electric embarrassments. I tried to kill 8 tracks, but after several trips, I just gave up. I knew that would die out on their own.

The world really needed a lot of straightening out. You should all be glad for my hard work, Did you know Tiny TIm was the largest selling recording artist in the 1960s? Did you know Richard Nixon was elected President? Wait, I think I forgot to change that one.

Sadly, my time travel machine finally broke. Do you know how hard it is to get parts for a time travel machine? I await the future me to return with new parts, but there seems to be some hold-up in shipment. Oh, well. I shall have to take this up with future me whenever future me decides to take the time and visit. You know how it is. The kids grow up and they seldom visit.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

You Bet Your Asbergers

Having learned that people think I have Asberger syndrome, which seems to mean I show no emotions when I eat burgers even though I do feel sorry for the cows, and the poor wheat plants used in the bread, whether or not I do have this, it lets me better understand how others regard or misregard (which is a regard that is not married) me. Even before people heard of Asbergers, there was some recognition that there were highly functional (or, in my case, moderate to low functioning) people who are “odd”, “misfits”, “politicians”, or “one card short of an elevator reaching the top”.

I have long been aware that people can take one look at me and judge me and reject me. I have known hundreds of women who have dated thousands of men who will not date me. Those who say they will do not appear at the first date. I am familiar with the very excuses of hair needing to be done (what is it about hair that is so traumatic that one cancels an appointment because it has become unsightly?), relative died, relate sick, relative died and then sick which makes me think this could have important religious consequence, and my favorite, someone else asked them out. That last one lacks tact, yet it has been used, which I suspect is useful information that I am even expected to be happy that the woman was able to find an even better prospect for a date than myself. Hurrah.

I used to think it was because I have a larger than normal nose. It did confuse me that larger nosed people are able to gain dates. Maybe my nose was too large yet not large enough. There could be a large nose fetish that does not qualify me while my nose is too large for those without the large nose fetish.

Now I wonder if people can sense Asberger types upon sight and immediately recoil. I do know people immediately recoil. Babies look at me and cry. Grown men look at me and cry. I will state that dogs seem to like me, and I don’t mean “dogs” as in unsociable women, I mean dogs as in the four legged type, and by that, I don’t mean unsociable women who crawl on all fours.  Dogs accept me, people not so much.

A dramatic example of this was when I took attended a screenwriters’ conference with several screenplays under my belt and a few more in my briefcase. A noted screenwriter professor (yes, there are such things, and don’t snicker if you took Basket Weaving in college) requested several ideas for scripts. A room of over one hundred people submitted their ideas. I was enthralled when this noted scholar (again, no snickering, this is actually a difficult type of writing and it is taught in some respectable colleges and in Internet scams) of screenplays put the best ideas on the board. Of the few he picked, the majority were mine. I felt enthralled realizing that someone else believed I had good movie ideas. My confidence was bolstered.

Another speaker taught us to pitch our ideas for movies. I listened intently and mentally prepared how to positively present strong ideas in a manner that would grab a producer’s attention. I prepared for every alternative. If a producer did not like an idea, I’’ll tell of another idea. If a producer seemed to like an idea but questioned aspects, I would attempt to adjust the idea to assure the producer that the idea is still worthwhile. After all, it is the producer’s money and the producer will be paying for the script.
Next, a real producer emerged to listen to our ideas. Each screenwriter was to pitch ideas until the producer said “next”. Once the producer declared “next”, the screenwriter was to walk away without complaint. I was all set. I stood in line and watched as screenwriter after screenwriter pitched ideas until the dreaded “next” was declared. I was confidant, though, knowing I had several of the best ideas there.I would pitch them as best as I could.

When it was my turn, the producer took one look at me and said “next”. Instead of walking away as I was expected to do, I presumed there had to be some mistake. “I haven’t said anything yet”, I stated. The producer looked at me and proclaimed “I can tell by looking at you that you have nothing of interest to say”. The producer then looked back at the line and repeated “next.

This is not the only example. I remember re-meeting a candidate for Governor. I at first was surprised when the candidate remembered me. He replied “of course I remember you. You’re the guy with the looks only a mother could love.” He lost the election. I saw to that, But that’s another story.

The serious problem is I have gone through life having experienced hundreds of job interviews and interviews for job promotions, in a few cases where I knew I was the best candidate in terms of performance, experience, academic background, and abilities, only to be rejected. I have been told on several occasions that I was the best candidate, but they found someone better. Those actual words were used. I never understood what that even meant.

I made the mistake of believing that hard work can make a difference. Sadly, in my personal experiences, I have learned there is no reward for hard work. I worked overtime, took work home, and produced more work than anyone else. I strove to produce quality work. I sought innovative ideas. I learned and improved upon more aspects of my work as possible. I believe I delivered much more than expected.

What I learned is that those with power over me use that power yet seldom wish to share that power. They may take credit for your work and instead of building an alliance with me for my abilities, they have turned against me in fear that I could either expose their false claims or perhaps fear I may rise above them (I can’t speak for the thinkings of others and must only speculate). I observed that their friends usually advance and that social networking is important. Unfortunately, the strange looking person working while others network isn’t permitted to join the network.

I find people see people with oddities and they attach their own interpretations as to how odd that person is. People create their own conclusions as to who I really am and the act to destroy the false person they have constructed. I have often noted the false reality they create of me is a reflection of their own perceived faults. People who created rumors of my sexuality often where themselves of that sexuality.

I am glad that my oddities lead me on the path that has allowed me to become an international superstar. I am able to move on, forget, and forgive the many people who took one look at me and refused to date me, hire me, promote me, or acknowledge my presence. I forgive those who acknowledged my presence and sought to harm it. I could care less if I see any of these people again. Yes, I know some believe believe the expression “I could care less” is incorrect because it literally implies one is able to have less affinity for the stated situation. I indeed mean I have some care for the situation and I could care less. In fact, I should care less. It should no longer bother me. So, to all who hurt me, all is forgiven. Just don’t take that forgiveness as an opening to ask to borrow money, I still don’t care that much.