I Was the First Human to Fly to the Moon and My Arms Were Tired

One of the benefits of the recent reductions at NASA is they have cutback the office that approves what people write about their NASA experiences to one 92 year old protected civil servant who is actually blind and just randomly decides what to approve.  Fortunately, this manuscript received approval and i am now able to disclose the truth about the moon landing.

For those who have seen the proof, you already know that the moon landing was faked. Neil Armstrong walked on a Hollywood set made to look like the moon,  This almost had a disaster when I noted the set designer included palm trees in the background.  Fortunately I spotted this and had them removed.

Neil later told me one of the crew hid a moon monster outfit on him and tried to run onto the set to attack Neil.   Some other crew members wrestled him to the ground before he could get into the shot.

What few people do not know is that while the world was watching the safe and sanitized version where success at landing on the moon was guaranteed to occur on a film set, NASA really was simultaneously launching a real spaceship to the moon.  In case it failed, the world would never know.  I am glad to report that the mission was a success. We sent two men to the moon who both walked on the moon and then safely returned to Earth, except for a minor face scrape because someone can’t remember to not fling floating meal trays across a cockpit (no names, but you know who you are, Jonathan).

I know this because I was on that flight. Even though I was 14 and fearing I was getting too old to pilot a spaceship (ironically, it seems spaceships to the moon are best piloted by children aged 13 below. We even printed that right on the spaceship packaging) it was felt I had the training, obviously had the intellect, and the alternative 12 year old pilot tested positive for heroin. 

The commander was Colonel Jonathan Winters.  Winters is a brilliant astrophysicist and pilot who uses a public persona of being a crazy comedian to throw international spies off the track as to his real abilities.  The mission went without a hitch, not counting Jonathan’s snoring.  

I may now tell the world that I was the first human to land on the moon while Jonathan Winters was the first human to walk on the moon.  I will explain. Jonathan was scheduled to go first and walk on the moon.  When we opened the door, Jonathan was walking down the steps when Lassie saw the door and ran out, tripping me, and causing me to fall onto the moon  So I was the first human to land on the moon, Jonathan was the first human to walk on the moon, and Lassie was the first Earthling on the moon.

Yes, one of the Lassies (I don’t know which one, one of them, there were several used on the TV show) was with us.  Even though Lassie was male, the spacesuit designers gave Lassie a pinkish feminine looking dog spacesuit.  Thus, Lassie was the first cross dresser on the moon.  (Don’t worry Jonathan, I’ll keep your secret about being the second.)

The rest of the mission was basically boring technical stuff. We gather several rock samples, take atmospheric samples, captured a few moon animals, and went back to the space ship.  We had to wait awhile because someone was enjoying chasing a stick and hopping all around. (Again, no names are being used here, Jonathan)  The flight back was uneventful, although Jonathan decided he wanted to visit Las Vegas on the flight back so we landed in the US Air Force landing strip on Area 51.  We still hear about that to this day.  

Still Famous For Being Famous, Part 3

Third grade was a troubling time for me. My Presidential advising tenure was challenged by the Kennedy assassination. I know that many Internet conspiracies have concluded that my fellow third grader John Seigenthaler and I were involved in the Kennedy assassination. Now that all of the Kennedy children have died, I believe it is time that I come forth with the truth. No, John and I were not involved. Yet we were involved in the cover up. As I mentioned earlier, it was me, with John, and what has puzzled me to this day, Richard Nixon standing on the grassy knoll. I was cleaning my gun and Nixon accidentally discharged. Or so he claims. Fortunately, the bullet did not strike anyone. Ironically, Governor Connally was cleaning his pistol when it accidentally discharged. No, it did not hit anyone either. The assassin was an influential man who fired from the book depository. When we discovered his identify, it was deemed for national security that this secret be kept until now. It was Elvis Presley who assassinated President Kennedy. He was in a jealous rage over Marilyn Monroe. Of course, Elvis, as President of the Trilateral Commission, was the most influential person in the world and we needed to keep this from the public. John and I took the Zapurder film of the Kennedy assassination and altered it. (John wanted to add a musical background score, but I vetoed that.) We blocked out Connally cleaning his gun. We then found a patsy to blame for the shooting, and when we found a low wage employee with a Russian wife worked in the same book depository, it was like, bingo, that’s our guy. Maybe conspiracy theorists will blame the Russians and not the Trilateral Commission. Then Special Agent Ruby took out Oswald, and the whole thing was put to rest. Americans were able to go back to living their lives in peace, not counting the constant fear that we needed them to have so they would vote to keep the military and industrial complex exorbitantly funded by their elected representatives. My personal life, though, was a wreck. Virginia’s lawyers were suing for their share of the mansion, jet, and milk boxes. A neighbor Peggy was of great comfort although our playing house was, really, just playing house. We had a great relationship where we would take turns doing what each other wanted. She often wanted to play house, and then major renovations, followed by extreme landscaping. After a while, it got to be a bit too much when she decided to have lions guarding the house. True, lions may keep the paparazzi away, yet it made me concerned that every time I went to the mailbox that I might be eaten by a lion. I favor alternative security measures.